You know I'm going to have to run now... right?

OK... So I've put this off long enough. The address for this site is arrestednaked, so it's time I talk about how our beloved blog got its name.

A couple years ago I was celebrating my friend Joe's 21st birthday with him. I believe he and I were the last ones at the bar. We were shiiiiitcanned, but I persuaded the bartender to give us one more shot on behalf of Joe's birthday. He gave us a pine tree. I should have known what it was from the name... it was straight gin. I effing hate gin. If I were dying of thirst and I was offered gin, I would sooner die. Anyway, I blame the following story on that last shot...

Joe and I leave the bar, which was just off campus, and head back to our apartments on campus. On the way home, I realize that it's my last semester (or should have been) and I had never gone skinny-dipping in the reflection pond. I think it's necessary to do that before you graduate Clemson. No shit, I think it goes on your transcripts. I can't remember if Joe was for it or against it as I was a little fuzzy at the time, but we went for it.

So off we go into the reflection pond. We swim around for a while, good times. We're pretty much cracking up. I remember thinking "this was a really good idea!" If there's one thing I've learned from all of my drinking, it's that when I say that drunk, it's really not. Our pleasant swim is interrupted by a security guard at the library that overlooks the pond. He tells us to get out of there, we oblige. Then I had another really good idea. Instead of putting my clothes back on, I was going to streak across campus back home (even though i HAD done that before). And by streak, I mean casually walk with Joe.

We make it about halfway home without much ado besides me playfully chasing a couple of girls that were also taking a drunken stroll home. They were not naked. Sadly. Then a... we'll say ample... female security guard calls out to us.

"Hey, you... um, COME HERE!"

I look back surprised and point at myself, a puzzled look on my face like I don't actually know who she's talking to... Me? Joe? Joe? Me? She is not amused.

I stroll up to her, as casually as I had been walking with Joe, wearing a drunken smile, half-closed eyes, and little else. "Yeah, what's up?"

"What are you... why don't you have your clothes on? You... you know I'm gonna have to call the cops now, right?"

I look at her... weigh my options (kind of)... and decide on my reply.
"You... know I'm gonna have to run now... right???"

Right there, in all my glory, I strike a Heisman... my clothes as my football, my pose as the stupidest person in intramural college football. I bolt.

I'm fairly close to home, so I feel I have a good shot at making it. I hit Cherry road, one of the streets that partitions actual campus from the on-campus apartments, and in the corner of my eye there are two cop cars with their lights flashing coming up on me quick. I get across the street, and instead of taking the stairs, i hop over a little brick wall and run down a hill into the apartment area where I lived. If I had any sense at all, I would have run home or to Plumazing's apartment, both of which were nearby. But I had no sense at all. The cops are chasing me, although they're fat and slow. I run down the next hill (Clemson's in the hills, yeah boooyyyy!) One of the cops falls down the hill. It's hilarious. I'm still running, but I have a hard time running and laughing, so I actually trip up, too. Showing INCREDIBLE coordination for being as intoxicated as I was, I roll through a somersault back into a full-blown run. Didn't miss a beat. I'm still waiting for the Espy. I get to the other side of this mini-valley and start running up the stairs, but two more cop cars converge on the on the other side.

Shit. Apparently, cops have walky-talkies. Apparently, with four units on my case, the cops in Clemson have little else to do on a Tuesday night except chase naked men around campus. Apparently, Gay. I tried to run into a little wooded area to my left, but I get tripped up pretty quickly (this was a bad idea... i later had poison ivy ON MY ASS). I'm effed in the A, so I throw my hands up and admit to all the cops that "I'm retarded." They were gracious enough to let me put my clothes back on before they cuffed me. Thanks...

On the way to the car, the adrenaline gave me the chance to think clearly if only for a second... I wonder if I'm gonna be charged with indecent exposure. I didn't exactly want to be labeled a sex offender, so I ask...
"So... what am I being charged with?"

I guess I wasn't thinking TOO clearly in the way I asked. The cop busted out laughing and says to all his buddies...
"HA! The kid wants to know why he's being arrested."

Sigh... shit.

So that's my story. Striking a Heisman in the middle of campus, fully nude, was either the low point or the high point of my college career. Over three years later, I still haven't decided which...